How to un-invite people to your wedding - or break the news you’re eloping
Family dynamics. The part of weddings that can make the experience a super joyful or a challenging time. We have seen our fair share of family dynamics; one parent loves the idea, the other thinks distant cousin Karen should attend, even though you haven’t seen her since you were 2. We get it, we seen it in the hundreds of micro weddings and elopements we have created over the past 6+ years.
Navigating all this can be daunting, especially if you have the challenge of letting family know you want to go even smaller than a normal sized wedding and you’re worried about the best way to approach in regard to letting people know these are your wishes without offending anyone.
Firstly, and this part is important, if you suffer with anxiety and are worried so much by letting the family know you are planning a micro wedding or elopement, maybe ask yourselves if putting yourself through that is the best idea for your mental health. If you are anxious maybe that’s even the best reason to elope in the first place, some couples hate the idea of standing up in front of even the smallest group of guests to say their I’do’s.
Otherwise, whether you are wanting to either Elope in secret, tell people prior to your elopement, have a micro wedding with your smaller group of family and friends or downsize on the original plan, here are some strategies we recommend in letting people know what your wishes are and how to navigate the intimate wedding path.
An elopement for just the two of you
The definition of Eloping is - to run off and get married in secret. So you have two choices here - Tell your closest people this is what you are about to do or run off and do it in secret then let them know afterwards. Deciding not to tell your family/friends could save you some tricky conversations if you’re concerned about that. On the plus side, eloping in secret feels fun and adventurous and also becomes a moment very beautifully held tightly between just the two of you. The magic of that is really something next level.
Telling people AFTER you have eloped:
Elope then you can create a party later to celebrate with your close people, choose a part of the night where you announce the news to everyone, let them share in your celebration but without having to have told them prior you were planning to be married with just the two of you. This also means they all find out at the same time - avoids the politics of people knowing at different times afterwards
Call your peeps while you are standing at your elopement to let them know what you have done - riskier but a lovely path if you know your people will be super happy for you. Some of our couples choose to do the Facetime calls the night of their elopement. Make sure you tell you people to keep it under their hat until you have called everyone
Go social media official - Announce it to everyone on socials, we feel this is a nicer way to tell people beyond your close family/friend group, most of our couples use a sneak peek photo (we send to them within 24 hours of their hitching) to announce it to everyone else
Telling people BEFORE you have eloped:
Be honest and be prepared. Eloping isn’t everyones idea of how it should be and that’s ok, our parents/sibling and friends all have their own thoughts on how weddings should be done so it’s important to remind yourselves of that when facing any conversations prior. Stick to your guns for what you want and if you want to give people the heads up we recommend the following
Tell people you plan to elope together - let them know this is what will make you both very happy, and that while you respect their thoughts, you want them to understand eloping or having a micro wedding is what will make you the happiest as a couple
Let them know your reasons for wanting to elope this way. Most people will be happy for you at this moment. If they aren’t thats on them, it’s important you choose what makes you both happy as a couple and remind them it’s nothing personal
You can tell them and still involve them within your elopement by asking to carry special photos with you on the day, or something borrowed/something blue from a parent, a fathers tie or mum’s scarf around a bouquet or a passed down veil from her day, this can be a nice way for them to still feel they are being honoured even if they aren’t there
Ask them to provide you a reading to say in their absence - if you have video on the day, they will see it afterwards and feel they made a contribution
Important to remember with this path - if you tell parents they may try to persuade you otherwise and maybe that means you should go down the route of eloping and telling them later instead. Ask yourself what you feel they may say before you have the conversation.
Micro Weddings - Choosing to have a smaller guest list from the start
For a micro wedding, where you want 20-50 (ish) people but not the whole shebang, this is a new set of rules on the above ‘elopement’ situation. With this, people may feel upset if one friend is invited where another wasn’t. Our thoughts on how you should approach this scenario:
As with the above honestly is most important, sometimes getting on the front foot and telling people face to face that they aren’t on the guest list can be the best way, then they understand and haven’t heard about it on the grapevine
As per the elopement idea, you can approach this a few ways too, have a smaller ceremony for yourself and your closest people then a party later that same day or weekend with the extended crew
Blame the package or venue limit - It’s a cheeky approach but a way to get around the tricky questions - one joy of Covid (there was a few here and there), it gave us the ultimate excuse to have a smaller day due to density limits etc. Explain to your wider friends and family that the package is capped at 20 or 30 (or whatever) but you want to plan dinner or a party of catch up later to honour the day and show them photos later
Let them know the real deal. If money is tight, or you wish to go to Europe for your dream holiday instead, or reno or buy the your first house, people will understand that the choice is beyond them in why they aren’t on the guest list and that things are expensive these days, people respect this is our current climate that we live in and are more likely to understand your ‘why’.
Micro Weddings - Downsizing and having to un-invite people from the original list
I daresay this won’t be much of an issue for you to explain as most couples that have chosen to downsize do it for a perfectly good reason, and most reasonable people will respect that decision. Again honesty is best in explaining to people why.
With all of the above, when discussing this with people, if they seem to be upset or be questioning your decision, explaining this is what makes you both happy and your choice for whatever reason and ask for them to respect this. Most reasonable people will honour and be happy for your both.
Make a choice going into this not take on their judgement, so you can really ensure you go into the day getting back to the most important thing and that is…
Long after you may have had a difficult convo with a parent or friend about your choice of wedding type, you will be married to your favourite person, and your wedding will be exactly what you both wanted and envisioned.
If things are getting challenging in taking this approach, sit down, chat with your partner and see if you wish to compromise on your original plan, stick together and try to deal with as much face to face as you can.
Most couples we have created micro weddings for that have faced challenges share that their closest family and friends have been fine, it was the odd work person or person that wasn’t that close to them that got offended by the lack of invite - this just provides clarity that this person probably shouldn’t have been on the list in the first place. It’s also important to remember also that most couple face similar challenges no wonder what size their wedding.
When in doubt about any of it - just go with our theory on most things - it’s better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission, once you’re married they can clink glasses and give you a big hug, and sit and watch your beautiful video and photos together and choose to be happy for you in that moment.